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WHY MARRIAGE?

Chapter 1: Why Marriage?

So why did you get married in the first place? Whenever I ask this question to a person having marital difficulties, the answers don't seem to come very easily. More often than not, the answer is something to the effect that they were in love and they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. The inference is that because you love someone today, this love will always be there. Thus, you will always want to be together. However, experience and time will reveal that there will be times when that love does not exist or is diminished considerably. So what happens then? Does that mean the marriage is over?

Truthfully, the initial love we feel for our spouse is the smallest part of the marriage equation. In fact, for so many marriages, the most they will ever be in love is during the courtship and the honeymoon phase after the marriage. Once that is over, life kicks in and the love meter declines on a steady basis. This is very sad and it doesn't have to be that way.

Getting back to the question of why you got married in the first place, I would like to suggest that the marriage of a man and a woman is the natural order of things. The happiness derived from a successful marriage far outweighs anything that is achievable on our own as a single person, or even as a single parent. I've tried to express this idea to people who believe that the “single life” is the only way to be happy, but like so many things in life, sometimes you have to experience it to understand it. I've been single and happy and I've been married and happy. I will take the joy and wonder that is marriage, with all of its heartaches, over the happiness that is the single life any day of the week. Remember that anything in this life that is of true value or that will return long-lasting rewards comes with long-term dedication and effort. Everything else is fleeting and of little value over the long haul. I am greater as a married woman than I could ever be on my own. I have more strength, more love, more patience, more compassion, and more capacity than I could ever have without my spouse by my side helping me achieve my goals. I could never have achieved so many of the accomplishments of my life without his support, guidance, and dedication to my success. When a marriage is functioning properly there is a power that cannot be equaled from any other relationship on earth. If you have experienced this power -- congratulations and keep working on it!

A joyful union

The ultimate goal of marriage should be to create a Joyful Union. This can only come through hard work and focused effort. A good marriage requires understanding how relationships work, discovering the specific needs of your partner, and seeking to meet these needs on a regular basis. The good news is that all this hard work is definitely worth it. In my experience, the happiness that comes from a Joyful Union far outweighs any other relationship or endeavor in this life. The strength and support that comes from a successful marriage will spill over into every other aspect of your life. This is not to say that you will not have any problems, but it does mean that you will know how to resolve these issues in a way that strengthens your relationship.

Remember that a Joyful Union should start long before the wedding date by conducting an intensive job interview to avoid potential future problems. Have in-depth discussions about work, children, money, and family. Decide in advance how you're going to deal with conflict. Never, ever, be demeaning in your conversations, and go to bed angry if that will help put things into proper perspective.

A Joyful Union is a relationship where the courting process never ends. Failure to continue courting each other is where so many marriages begin to go wrong. While dating, couples try and please each other and do everything they can for the person they are trying to attract. Once the wedding vows are complete the niceties begin go away. Don't ever stop doing those things that caused your spouse to love you in the first place.

Learn to communicate early by using good listening skills. You can never meet your spouse's needs unless you understand them. Neither can you have your needs met if you cannot communicate them properly. Do not listen to respond, instead listen to understand and to help. Remember that it’s not always about you. When your spouse is talking about some hardship, do not try and trump it with one of your own. Put forth kindness, love, and understanding because that's what they're looking for.

Be deliberate in growing together on a regular basis. Keep in mind that it’s very natural for a couple to grow apart because they spend most of their time with other people. Don't let this happen to you! Have regular date nights and get away together as much as possible. Spend time on the phone when you're apart, and conduct a daily debrief so that you can know what each other is going through.

The most important principle that anyone can know about marriage is that you can never get what you need out of marriage by focusing on what you need out of marriage. The only way to get what you need out of marriage is to focus on what your spouse needs. Your spouse will then hopefully reciprocate and fulfill your needs. That's when the Joyful Union really starts to kick in.

Protect your marriage from outside influences. Do not cheat on your spouse emotionally by sharing personal details with members of the opposite sex. Do not turn to those of the opposite sex for guidance or council. Do not share problems or thoughts that should only be shared with your spouse. Fighting these little battles will ensure that outside relationships never progress to the next level. Never let the idea exist that there is some “soul mate” out there for you other than your spouse. Love is not some pixie dust that is sprinkled upon your head and then diminishes over time. Instead, love is a personal treasure to be fostered and nourished. It requires action and constant effort.

Work to ensure that intimacy is a regular part of your marriage. Remember that in a committed relationship you are the only one that can fulfill these physical needs. Do not take this responsibility lightly! Focus on the needs of your spouse and they will have a strong desire to fulfill your needs. As you seek to do so you will find that intimacy becomes less about what physically happens and more about the ultimate expression of your love and closeness. Intimacy can and should get better over time as long as both people are focusing on the other person’s needs as opposed to their own.

Treat your spouse with the highest regard. Never be mean or cruel. Keep in mind that how you treat them will determine whether or not they grow and improve. Additionally, your actions towards your spouse will determine whether or not they want to be around you at all. A strong marriage is one where both individuals are constantly seeking to rise to the level of how the other treats them. Rise together or you will fall apart.

Forget about your own needs and focus on the needs of those outside of your marriage through service, and you will discover that even your biggest issues probably aren’t that bad. Service brings us perspective and it helps us bring progress that otherwise might be difficult to find. The happiest people that I know and the strongest marriages that I have seen are ones where there is a constant effort to serve other people. Many times the best solution to your own problems will be found by focusing on the lives of other people for a change. Work is a great medicine for the mind, and it will help you work through many difficult issues. Experiencing the joy that comes from service as a couple will do more for strengthening your relationship than just about any other thing you can do in your marriage.

A Joyful Union is one that takes long-term work and effort. Is it worth it? In my opinion there is no greater endeavor in life. There is nothing on this earth more powerful and fulfilling than the strong union of a man and a woman. This is the natural order of the human condition and it is absolutely worth the pain and effort to get it right.